Food In Real Life

Subway Bacon and Egg Breakfast Sub

(multiple varieties picture)

(pictured on Monterey Cheddar bread, not Italian).

Looks: The meat and cheese aren’t folded inside the egg like in the advertisement, and there isn’t nearly enough sandwich toppings to make the bread fold open like the ad shows. It does fall within the generally-accepted range of how fast food should look compared to the advertised product. 3.5 out of 5

Taste: Satisfying, but without a lot of flavor. The egg has a strange wetness that you feel inside of your mouth as you chew on it, as if it were filled with a bunch of small water pockets. The bread is good and chewy, and the pre-cooked bacon adds a little snap to the rest of the sandwich’s softness. Since it is intended for breakfast, a time of day when most people are averse to strong flavors, it’s not a bad combination. 3.5 out of 5

Pizza Hut Stuffed-Crust Pan Pizza

Looks: Not much different than a regular pan pizza from Pizza Hut. Some sauce spots peeking through the cheese and toppings, and the crust was a little lighter than the pizza in the ad. Also, the crust isn’t actually “stuffed” like the Stuffed-Crust pizza that Pizza Hut already offers; rather, there’s a moat of cheese next to the crust. The moat most definitely does not stand out like in the ad. 3 out of 5

Taste: Greasy. The crust + cheese combination tastes better than the crust of a regular stuffed-crust pizza, but the rest of the pizza tastes mostly like grease-covered bread. I wouldn’t order it again, and my hands were so slippery with grease that, by the end of the meal, I probably couldn’t have held onto my phone long enough to order it again anyway. 2 out of 5

Lean Cuisine Grilled Chicken Primavera

Pre-Stir:

Looks: Better luck next time. The vegetables are more of a cafeteria-green-bean green than a summer-meadow green, and the cherry tomatoes didn’t even survive being stirred into the noodles. The consistency of the entire dish is closer to a casserole than the light mixture of pasta and vegetables depicted on the box. 2 out of 5

Taste: While it didn’t make me cry, I wasn’t happy to be eating it either. The chicken was very dry, the noodles were cooked about 50% past al-dente, and the vegetables didn’t have a taste (or texture) at all. The painted-on grill marks on the chicken were convincing though. 2 out of 5

Kellogg’s Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts

Looks: Pretty darn close. The frosting isn’t quite as thick, and the pop-tart doesn’t actually fly through the air, but everything else is spot-on. 4.5 out of 5

Taste: It’s like the crack of foods. Have you ever tried to eat just one of the two pop-tarts in the silver pouch? Impossible. 5 out of 5