Totino’s Pizza Rolls (Combination)

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Totino's Pizza Rolls (Combination)

Looks: If Totino’s hadn’t felt the need to show off the bursting guts of the flying pizza rolls, this product would have gotten 5 out of 5. However, there’s no way that the amount of filling inside will overflow the crust like they depict on the box, unless you peeled away half of the roll rather than cutting it. Besides that though, the size and color are perfect. 4 out of 5

Taste: Except for being a little bit oily, these Pizza Rolls taste great. They have a rich flavor, and the bits of meat are actual tangible, unlike some other “meat” flavored products I’ve tried. Make sure you let them cool off for about five minutes before eating them, or your burnt mouth won’t be able to taste their delicious flavor. (Side note: I can’t look at the real-life picture without picturing the open pizza rolls singing a little pizza roll song.) 4 out of 5

Michelina’s Spaghetti & Meatballs

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Michelina's Spaghetti & Meatballs

Looks: Once again, the box fails to account for the directions instructing the preparer to stir the meal together. When will these companies learn? Also, the noodles look more like extruded Play-Doh than the spaghetti on the packaging. 3 out of 5

Taste: Absolutely disgusting. The noodles fell apart as if I had cooked them for twice their instructed cooking time, causing the whole meal to feel like pig slop. Half of the meatballs were spongy; the other half were hard. All of them were tasteless, making me wonder just what ratio of breadcrumbs to meat Michelina’s is using in their recipe. The sauce had no redeeming qualities. There are not many meals that I can’t bear to finish, but this was definitely one of them. 0 out of 5

Pizza Hut Supreme Pizza

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Pizza Hut Supreme Pizza

Looks: It feels kind of like the toppings migrated towards the center of the pizza. I used to work at Domino’s so I know of this tendency, since it’s easier to just sprinkle the food over the middle than to work the whole pie, but come on Pizza Hut employee, take a little pride in your work. 3.5 out of 5

Taste: Come on, we’ve all tasted a Pizza Hut Supreme pizza before, right? I don’t have to describe it here, do I? It is Friday after all… I put up quality posts here, every day, at 6 am. Is it too much to ask for a day off once in a while? Here’s your stinkin’ review: bready, chewy, tasty, greasy, too many peppers. 3 out of 5

SmartOnes Artisan Creations Pepperoni Pizza

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SmartOnes Artisan Creations Pepperoni Pizza

Looks: The pizza on the box holds much more pepperoni, herbs, and cheese. That’s 0-for-3 on the main components of the dish; it gets one point for having a crust, and one point for being the right size: 2 out of 5

Taste: Given the average taste of the regular SmartOnes Pepperoni pizza, I expected the same from this pizza. And given the fact that I wrote the previous sentence, you can assume that is not what happened. This pizza reminded me of the pizza rectangles they used to serve at my grade school, but not as good. (I had no idea my school was serving “artisan creation”-grade pizza.) The sauce is gummy and close to ketchup; the cheese and crust are tasteless. Blech. 1 out of 5