Food In Real Life

Burger King Breakfast Muffin Sandwich

Looks: The bun is overly browned (-0.5 points), the cheese is an oily orange and it curls up instead of down (-0.5 points), the sausage patty is overcooked (-0.5 points), and I want to deduct one more thing (-0.5 points). 3 out of 5

Taste: Burger King is advertising this sandwich as being blatantly stolen from McDonalds but offered for half the price, so let’s compare it to McDonald’s Sausage Egg McMuffin.

The McDonald’s version is so oily I needed to call in the National Guard to help with cleanup efforts after I finished it, but this is lacking any sort of grease overflow.
It tastes more “real” than McDonalds’ too; almost as if I made it myself in my kitchen. (That is, if I had access to pre-cooked egg-like squares and a heat lamp to leave it under for 20 minutes.)
The sausage is just a little bit spicy, where McDonalds’ meat is unprovocative.
The egg is mostly tasteless and not at all like McDonalds’ version of eggs, which aren’t too far off from the real thing.

Burger King is selling this for just $1, so it gets a favorable rating on that aspect, but for every dollar they raise the price, I’d probably take a point off of my rating. It’s good, but not $2 good. 3 out of 5

Hot Pockets Mini Cheeseburger SideShots

Looks: The bread is four times as thick as it is on the box, and the filling looks more like chunky diarrhea than cheesy hamburger. The colors and sizes are all accurate though, so it’s not a total loss. 2.5 out of 5

Taste: Remember how I said that the filling looks like chunky diarrhea? Care to venture a guess as to how it tastes? Wrong. It tastes like ground hamburger mixed with boiling lava hot cheese inside of a bun. Nothing too special – I wouldn’t buy it again, but at least it didn’t taste as sick as it looks. 2 out of 5

While we’re on the subject of Hot Pockets, here are two of my favorite Hot Pocket-related comedy bits.

Lunchables Ham and American Cheese Sub Sandwich

Looks: I bet you can’t even tell which picture is the box and which is the real thing. 5 out of 5

Taste: The succulence of the ham was matched only by the deep, earthy je ne sais quoi of the Kraft American cheddar. The mayonnaise lent a savory (yet somehow fat-free) lightness to the sandwich that, together with the humble heartland flavor of the whole-grain bun, made this truly a sandwich not to be missed.

Just kidding – it was ok. Four inches of average bread combined with four inches of average ham combined with four inches of average cheese topped with four inches of average mayo wins this sandwich an average score. 2.5 out of 5

Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

Reader Rose Marshall provided this review of tiny little burgers from some place called “Jack in the Box,” which, being from Minnesota, I have never heard of.

Looks: Basically looked “mini” and sirlion-y…but in the thrown together way that all fast food looks. The burgers were thick and not too dry. The biggest discrepancy was the buns, they would have looked like the photo, except they were burnt….like BLACK burnt. I guess my Mom taught me to eat burnt food, so I didn’t really mind. 3.5 out of 5

Taste: Tasted pretty good, actually tasted like real food. Which, in some messed up way disappointed me, because I expect a fast food burger to be a super-greasy delicious sin. But, it was not as sinful as some, meat was thick and meaty. I would eat it again. The cooked onions were a nice touch, different that the standard toppings. 4 out of 5

I don’t know about you, but that last picture is the most appetizing thing I’ve seen all week.