Food In Real Life

Red Baron 4-Cheese Pizza

Looks: I still can’t get these pizzas to brown properly, even after following different advice I’ve gotten from readers: “Move it under the broiler”; “don’t preheat the oven”; “use a blow-torch.” None of it works. 4 out of 5

Taste: There is a definite quality scale of frozen pizzas: it starts with your Lunchables mini pizzas (ketchup and bread), then you have your Jack’s/Jeno’s/Totino’s, then up on the high end, you have your Digiorno’s and Freschettas – the “pizzeria-style” pizzas (if you believe their commercials). I would place this Red Baron above Digiorno, but below Freschetta. The cheese is thick, the sauce is zesty, and the crust is nice and chewy, but not as nice as Freschetta’s. This pizza has a good collection of herbs mixed in the cheese as well, and I think that is what really sets it apart from the Jack’s and Jeno’s. 4 out of 5

Tyson Anytizers Honey BBQ Boneless Chicken Wings

Looks: They look a little dryer than the nuggets on the box, which appear to be sweating, so maybe that’s a good thing. 4 out of 5

Taste: Sweet and juicy. The breading has a nice honey undertone, and the chicken meat inside is very moist. I have no complaints about them, except that I expected to find a dipping sauce inside the box, but instead I had to supply my own. 5 out of 5

Kraft White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese

Looks: The sauce isn’t quite thick enough to fill in the holes in the ends of the noodles, and the noodles aren’t long enough to curve like the noodles on the box; both are minor nitpicks though. 4 out of 5

Taste: It’s very similar to the normal Kraft Macaroni & Cheese that everyone has had at least once in their life, except without the sharp bite of the yellow cheddar cheese mix. I definitely preferred the more mild taste of the white cheddar, but like most Kraft Mac & Cheese, every subsequent bite was a little worse than the one before it, and by the end, I felt a little queasy. My body must immediately start building immunity against whatever chemicals Kraft is using to make this dish taste so good. 4 out of 5

Oscar Mayer Fully Cooked Bacon

Looks: It’s boring to write about foods that look just like their packaging. I bet it’s boring to read about too, isn’t it? 5 out of 5

Taste: Eaten alone, it’s obvious that this bacon was not freshly cooked on a sizzling griddle: it’s kind of rubbery and pretty salty. But if you overcook it a little in order to crumble it over baked potatoes, a thick chowder, or a late-evening Pop-Tart, you won’t be able to tell the difference between this and “real” bacon. 3.5 out of 5