Food In Real Life

Culver's Walleye Sandwich

Looks: This walleye must have been the Yao Ming of walleyes, because it's about 100% longer than the filet featured in their ad. (Not that I'm complaining.) It reminds me of the hobos in cartoons that are wearing shoes that are five sizes too small, so their feet split out the end of the shoes and they wear the shoes more like sandals. Do you know what I mean? The shoe in this case is the bun, and the hobo foot is the fish. 2.5 out of 5

Taste: I'm not sure that Culver's can make a non-delicious food. Their butterburgers are amazing, and this sandwich was almost as good. Crispy, crunchy breading; moist, delicious fish; soft, chewy bun. At one point while eating this sandwich, I tried to open my mouth so wide that I actually hurt myself. Does that paint a picture of how quickly I was trying to cram this fish into my gullet?

The only deduction I'm taking due to a slight bitter aftertaste I got after two or three bites; I'm not sure if that's unique to walleye or if it was related to residual cooking oil, but it wasn't enough to stop me from immediately wanting to go buy another one. 4.5 out of 5

Note: The walleye sandwich is a promotional item and will only be available through Easter Sunday (April 4).

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Lean Cuisine Baja-Style Chicken Quesadilla

Looks: I don't know what kind of cutting and dividing they did for the box picture, but there's only one quesadilla in the box. Its filling is pretty close to what you see on the package, but the cheese kind of overwhelms the other stuff as it melts, much like a volcano taking out Los Angeles with its lava. (Side note: the cheese filling is like lava in another way, in that it will melt your mouth if you eat it too soon after heating.) 4 out of 5

Taste: They should really call this a corn quesadilla, because all you taste is corn and cheese. It was still ok, but I wouldn't have known there was chicken in it if I hadn't seen it on the box. So if you like corn and you like cheese, you'll love this meal. (If you don't like corn or cheese, why did you buy a quesadilla that clearly contains both? Weirdo.) 3 out of 5

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Special K Blueberry Fruit Crisps

Looks: Except for their slightly washed-out appearance (which I assure you is not just a side-effect of the photography), these "crisps" exist as depicted on the box. 4.5 out of 5

Taste: You may recall that I have an "appreciation" for blueberry Pop-Tarts. These crisps are basically mini blueberry Pop-tarts, but even better, because it's socially acceptable to eat them at all hours of the day. No more yearning for Pop-Tarts at 3pm but withholding out of shame - I'll be enjoying some variety of sugar-frosted blueberry cracker snack 24/7. 5 out of 5

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