Looks: The wrap in the ad is beefy, the tortilla filled to the point of bursting. The wrap in real life looks like a scared little hamburger turtle, just barely poking its head out of its shell. No lettuce or onions to speak of – just beef and cheese.

If you were to open up the wrap, you’d see this work of art:

I’m getting hungry just looking at this picture, aren’t you? Not even half a beef patty, and even fewer toppings than are visible poking out of the end of the wrap in the ad. 2 out of 5

Taste: It tastes… very much like a Big Mac. Well, until the third bite, when you’ve used up all the special sauce and cheese, and you’re left with three more bites of dry beef and tortilla. I would have given the first bite a four, but the last bite was more like a 1 – I guess I’ll have to go with the average. 2.5 out of 5

Looks: This picture was taken in a rush, so it’s not at the correct angle or anything, but I assure you it’s not too far off from the box. (Also, the box only depicts the standard chicken sandwich; this one had bacon added to it.) The bun is reasonably similar, and from seeing it in real life, I know that the chicken wasn’t significantly different from the packaging. 4 out of 5

Taste: Good, but not great. The chicken was juicy (which is more than I can say for the Angus burger purchased at the same visit), and the bun was nice and chewy. Neither had too much flavor, but the addition of “bacon” helped that a little bit. I’d probably buy it again, but it wouldn’t be my first choice. (For what it’s worth, my wife, whose favorite foods include chicken and bread, said she would have given this sandwich at least 4 out of 5.) 3.5 out of 5

Looks: I apologize for the unflattering angle of this picture; I know I took several better ones, but somehow, they got lost in the shuffle of having a full memory card and wanting to take pictures of babies in Halloween costumes. Anyhow, the burger that I was served look as if they took the burger from the ad and let it sit out for a few days. The patty was dark and dry, nowhere near as thick as the advertised patty. (On the inside, it was so dry it was almost white and reminded me more of an overcooked porkchop than ground beef.) I only got one piece of cheese, and the vegetable toppings were scant, to say the least. 2 out of 5

Taste: The bun was the only ok thing about this burger. The meat was dry: on a scale from 1 to 10, it was a desert. The bacon tasted fake, and there weren’t enough vegetables or cheese to add moisture to the piece of cardboard masquerading as a ground beef patty. 1 out of 5

Has anyone tried the other Angus burgers? Do they fare any better than this one?

Looks: Exactly like the ad. (As you can tell, this does not make for interesting reading.) 5 out of 5

Taste: Like mealy sticks of depression. If you don’t eat McDonald’s fries within 30 seconds of them exiting the fryer, you will quickly begin asking yourself “Why are they so hard? Why don’t they have a taste? Why did I even buy them? Why can’t I stop eating them?” They did earn 1 point for the salt I was able to lick from the bottom of the carton. 1 out of 5

Looks: Since there’s a handy song available for sizing up a Big Mac, let’s use it as a grading checklist:

• “Two all beef patties,” – just barely. Remember that little old lady that asked “Where’s the beef?” She was looking at this picture I took.
• “special sauce,” – not in either picture, so no big deal.
• “lettuce,” – F for effort
• “cheese,” – looks exactly the same as the picture!
• “pickles, onions” – MIA
• “on a sesame seed bun.” – lopsided and squashed, although the bottom bun in the picture looks like a sponge, so I guess lopsided and squashed is better than “tastes like a sponge.”

Looks like Big Mac will be repeating the 2nd grade. 2 out of 5

Taste: The sandwich’s main flavors come from the special sauce and cheese; the “beef” patties are just roadblocks for your teeth so they don’t crash into each other in the middle of the burger. Nevertheless, it’s non-offensive and generally enjoyable. 3 out of 5

Additionally, reader Jb sends in this snapshot of a recent Big Mac Attack:

“Gary was a Big Mac fan.. until this day! This was literally how the box opened up.”

That is just terrible. What is Gary doing drinking white wine with a Big Mac? Everybody knows you need a full-bodied red to sufficiently complement the special sauce.

Looks: Well, the ingredients are in the right order, but none of them appear as advertised. The muffin is kind of wimpy, the egg misshapen, the sausage smaller than it should be, and the cheese is more of a greasy oil square that won’t melt. 2 out of 5

Taste: You remember that episode of The Simpsons where Homer drank a candle in order to coat his mouth with wax so he could eat the insanely hot peppers? Yeah, it’s kind of like that. The sandwich tastes ok – mostly like sausage and English muffin, but it leaves a coating of grease in your mouth for about three hours. So if you need tongue protection for some dangerous eating stunt, by all means, start with a Sausage Egg McMuffin. 1 out of 5