I stumbled upon an interesting discovery while eating this Healthy Choice Balsamic Garlic Chicken Cafe Steamer: all Healthy Choice meals are actually just different arrangements of the same chicken, noodles, and sauce. Take a look at some: #1, #2, #3, and #4. Healthy Choice has just packaged the same meal in many different boxes and then filled in the blanks in the name of the meal. In that spirit, here is my review of the Healthy Choice Balsamic Garlic Chicken Cafe Steamer; you can fill in the blanks yourself, or you can play along with a friend!

The Healthy Choice Balsamic Garlic Chicken Cafe Steamer tastes ___(adjective)___. There are definite hints of ___(noun)___ in each bite, and the ___(property)___ of the chicken is ___(adjective)___. I didn’t expect this meal to be so ___(adjective)___, but it surprised me and made me say to my wife, “Honey, this meal is so ___(adjective)___.” The vegetables were ___(adjective)___, but the pasta was predictably ___(adjective)___. Based on the picture on the box, it should have had more ___(noun)___, but the ___(noun)___ was close enough.

Fill out this Mad Lib in the comments, and the best one will win a special surprise. I’m not going to tell you what it is, but it definitely is not not a box of Strawberry Pop-tarts.

Ah, lunchtime. Those thirty magical minutes when you can forget about the troubles of your job, the upcoming credit card bills, and your soul-crushing loneliness. All food brings comfort, but there’s nothing in the world that will lift your spirit like a bowl full of vegetables. Yes sirree, with their fresh taste unlocked by the magic of steam, this meal of “Grilled (but actually steamed) Mediterranean (but also found in America) Vegetables” is just what you need to turn that frown upside-down. (Note: Upside-down frown may not be experienced by all customers.)

The best part of this meal is the obvious lack of meat. You won’t have to waste time on tender marinated chicken or juicy slow-cooked beef just to get to the delicious vegetable side dishes, like in most meals. When you open this box, you’ll feel like you died and went to heaven… vegetable heaven, that is! The broccoli tastes like broccoli. The eggplant tastes like eggplant. And the snozzberries — don’t get me started on the snozzberries!

Who cares if you’ve been taking cold showers for a week because you’re late on the gas bill? So what if your wife left you and took your dog with her? You’ve still managed to keep the lights on, and that’s worth a reward. So set your microwave for two and a half minutes, and let your cares drift away – you’ve got some eating to do.

Looks: 5 out of 5 Taste: 3 out of 5

Sydney’s picture:

My picture:

Looks: As it lacks the thick brown sauce pictured on the box and the long pieces of chicken with discernibly browned skin but white meat, I do believe that this box has seen a little photoshopping in its day. 3 out of 5

Taste: You may remember that Sydney called this bowl of food “the worst thing I have ever eaten.” I think it’s fair to say that I had a different experience. It’s certainly not the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but it’s a mildy pleasing combination of the noodles + chicken + sauce trio that comprises essentially every Healthy Choice meal out there. 3 out of 5

Dena’s potstickers:

My potstickers:

Looks: Not as vibrant or as fresh as the box depicts, but much moreso than Dena’s. The portion sizes are accurate though. 3.5 out of 5

Taste: The potstickers were chewy (the way I like them), but the filling was mostly tasteless – tofu is not known for its flavor. On the other hand, the rice surrounding the potstickers was terrible; gritty and dry, completely unpalatable. I’d eat the potstickers again if I was able to get them for free, but I’d still throw the rice away. 2 out of 5

Reader Sydney Hamilton has stepped up to ensure that you don’t have to go another day without a FoodIRL post:

Looks: It doesn’t look terrible, but it doesn’t look great. The chicken looks so dry in comparison to the pictured ones. The sauce is wayyy thicker than shown and the tomatoes in the picture are much more vibrant than the ones in the actual dish. It’s not too far off though. 3.5 out of 5

Taste: This is the worst thing I have ever eaten. The “angel hair” pasta is basically thicker than linguine, and they are so overcooked and mushy. The tomatoes are so hard and crispy, I thought they were peppers until I realized they weren’t. The chicken is dry and the sauce is way too thick and super bland. 1.5 out of 5

Personally, if something was the worst thing I had ever eaten, it would be lucky to get 0 out of 5, much less 1.5 out of 5.

If you want to see your food on the Internet, send it to food@foodirl.com.

Looks: Mushrooms are MIA. Sauce is much too watery. Chicken-to-noodle ratio is far too low. 3 out of 5

Taste: Bland, but the chicken was nice and juicy. The vegetables were still quite crisp, which somewhat made up for the overcooked and mushy noodles. Not a keeper. 2 out of 5

Looks: Everything’s on the up-and-up, except for the usual problem that the directions instruct you to stir the meal, but the meal on the box is obviously not stirred. Come on! 4.5 out of 5

Taste: When I saw “five-spice” on the box, I expected something spicy. (Five-spicy, to be exact.) But the sauce had no spice, only sweetness – it tasted and smelled like gingerbread cookies. Also, the beef was dry, as most microwave beef is, and the rest of the ingredients had no taste except for the overwhelming sauce. (Note: the ingredients list does not list “beef”; it lists “cooked beef and binder product.” Take that for what you will.) 2.5 out of 5

Looks: Well, the squash and cranberries look right. Maybe they forget to put the turkey in this one… 1.5 out of 5

Taste: The highlight of this meal was the cranberries that were mixed in with the squash. The turkey was so hard to find in the potatoes that I’m not sure it was there, and the potatoes (or possibly turkey covered in potatoes) were alternately mushy and lumpy, without hardly any flavor at all. 1.5 out of 5

Looks: You’d be forgiven for wondering why I took a picture of this meal after I chewed it and spit it back out, but hold onto your butts: that’s what it actually looks like immediately after cooking. The vegetables still look frozen, and the chicken and rice mixture is pale, mushy, and completely unappetizing. 1 out of 5

Taste: Worse than it looks. The vegetables were flavorless, and while the chicken and rice had a flavor, it wasn’t one I’d like to taste again anytime soon – bitter, oily, gritty, disgusting: much like my last foray into microwave chicken and rice. 0 out of 5

Looks: The entire dish lacks the shininess of the meal on the box; the ravioli look dry, and the vegetables appear mushy and overcooked. The sizing is right, but the ravioli filling isn’t as substantial as it should be. 3 out of 5

Taste: Meh. The ravioli are too chewy, and the filling has a bitter aftertaste. I did enjoy the sauce though – kind of sweet, but buttery. The cooked apples are a nice touch too, but there aren’t enough of them to make up for the lackluster pasta. 2 out of 5